my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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