I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
do herpes really smell.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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