If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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