my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
