I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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