Some one left their pants in the elevator.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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