i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
