Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
