You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Randomize
