As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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