this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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