so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
