You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
