I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
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