my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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