party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
