Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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