you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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