I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
