sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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