I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
