apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
