They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
