you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just found puke in my bra..
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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