what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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