apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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