I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
