can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
