so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
So many bounce houses so little time
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
