a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
this will be a night to untag.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
