grandma shit on top of the toilet
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
