This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize