I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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