There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
