OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
