My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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