I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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