why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize