Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
