Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
