Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
