you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
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Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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