So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
