There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
