Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
