so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
