the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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