Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall