I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
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you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
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The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations