She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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