I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
