I wish my penis had an off switch
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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