Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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