So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He passed out mid-signature
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
