She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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