I feel great
I just peed on a car
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.