Your face is a jimmy john
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Boobs are out for the taking
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."