I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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