At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
