I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
