Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
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I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
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Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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