this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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