some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
