I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
