i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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