i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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